To the Leader of the Ant Tribe that Regularly Attempts to Install an Occupying Force in Our Kitchen

Dear Sir or Madame,

Although I seriously doubt your actions are actively designed to incite a state of open warfare between your people and mine, I must advise you that the increased number of your agents in our territory is making it difficult to avoid carnage. Please note that we cannot be held responsible for the death or injury of your subjects brought about by our mundane kitchen tasks - including but not limited to those involving water, heat, and frequent relocation of objects such as utensils and crockery.

Furthermore, I would like to alert you to the fact that when your soldiers deliberately breach all known forms of good-breeding and etiquette and raid our food stores while we are using them to cook, it cannot be held against my people if they sometimes retaliate with violence.

Since such trespasses seem to occur with steadily increasing frequency, at this juncture we must gently recommend that you withdraw your soldiers from our kitchen for the good of everyone involved. Every other insect society seems able to function quite happily outside of our walls, and please be advised you are more than welcome to forage in our garbage can and compost heap.


All the Best,

Someone Who Could Squash The Likes of You With One Finger but Doesn't (And Frequently Even Rescues Your People When They Wander Into Dangerous Situations) Due to a Ridiculously Overblown Sense of Compassion

P.S. Conscience also compels me to mention there are sects within our highest orders who do not entirely accept my ideals of tolerance and nonviolence. Should your selfish behavior continue unchecked, other ways of thought will inevitably gain ground. Our current "Clean A Lot and Try to Avoid Them" policy might soon be replaced with the increasingly seductive "Kill. Kill Them All" alternative commonly enacted in nearby homes.